The November Review

This new work development has had my mind racing the last twenty-four hours. Extreme negatives and extreme positives keep revolving around in my head. First I think I am being too critical of my knowledge and abilities, then I dwell on a moment of hope and success. I am physically drained from the constant pondering. 

I often say I keep waiting for something secure and upgraded to come along, and I suppose this is my opportunity. Looking back over the last few years, I can definitely see a change in my confidence, but this seems so much more than that. To take on this role means double the challenges. 

I still think of that moment in junior year of high school when Ms. Batsell pushed and pushed me to take the AP English test, and I backed out last minute. A part of me knew I could do it, but a more comfortable and controlling part of me refused to take the risk. I didn't want to fail, so I excused myself from the possible source. I may indeed fail, but not pushing through this one could destroy the confidence I have gained since that memorable choice.

The opinions and support of those closest to me, including that of my beautifully glowing wife, is keeping my anxiety in check. I am discovering that my life is not destined to ever become stagnant. When my days perhaps become too routine, I am met with drastic decisions.

And I have been undoubtedly lucky with my latest curves, and no, I am not referring to the love handles or "filled in" portions of my body. I am thankful for my education and the degree I will earn before too long. I am thankful to have steady work and the necessary finances to keep my family eating and safe. Most of all, I am thankful and blessed with a devoted and relentlessly loving companion. Days with my wife never become too routine. She is my excitement. And in roughly four weeks, we'll have one of the greatest curves of our life together.

Suddenly I am gaining life's insight and secrets that have evaded me previously.

Lovelovelove to the one who brings me up when I feel down and creates the balance I'll always need.