dear day

please do not go up and down.

i hate when the sky is empty.
my hands are cold and dry.

for you

i am already thankful for my future experiences.

white or black rhino?

it happens every once in awhile.

and every time it reminds me of that video.

i don't like it.

an understanding

i guess i just want to say...

i have many things to say,
just not the courage, nor strength to say them.

i hope the world brings peace to my mind.
i hope i can bring peace to those i love.

what influence am i?

it's a little bit funny

i think life purposely allows room for disappointment just to keep you on your guard.
i mean, some issues really should not be issues at all.
but life makes them a big deal to the world.
life makes you think they're a big deal, too.

the dynamics of my life intrigue me sometimes. i need to approach these issues as opportunities to learn. meh.

dishonesty

it's just that it's delicate

january is such an intricate month.
i tend to think it sets the mood for the rest of the year.
how untrue is that?

i usually make all my goals in january.
last year i met all of them.
i am still reeling from 2007.
not in a bad way of course.
2007 just seems like the weekend of my life.
it felt like my identity transitioned.

i've noticed my goals become more intricate each january.

a long life

you make me laugh everyday.

that's a very serious talent. :-)

my december post

i learned this year that your failure is defined by what the people around you say about you (and to you).

i don't really even have the time to consider if i've let myself down.

don't all opinions contain some truth at the center?

i don't know what it is

i've been listening to copeland a lot.
i guess bands affect me differently.
but, it's pretty intense how much copeland affects me.
i guess most people don't care for them.
i haven't even seen them at a show,
so sentimentally (probably not a word),
they're not even considered.

but somehow, they bring out the emotion in me.
that says a lot, you know?
i don't often reflect much emotion.

anyway, what i really wanted to say is that:
i love sophie.
copeland reminds me of her.
even though we never listen to them.
i've been listening to them for several years.
but, i love the lyrics and i love sophie.

i like the warm feeling i experience through both of them.
copeland has never reminded me of anyone, or anything significant.

until now.
i hope sophie doesn't mind.
as i said, most don't care for them.
but it's important and meaningful to me!
and i love this feeling.

<3

one for november

there was a sparkle in your eye last night. i couldn't stop staring it.

yeah, i knew what was causing it, but that didn't make it any less beautiful.

not so popular anymore

i thought this was interesting:

http://www.washingtontimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071025/NATION/110250083/1002

hollywood has been trying to make money off this for awhile. actors and actresses specifically. guess they thought the public was much dumberer.

?

i somehow screw up everything, in every situation. i'm not asking to be perfect. i just want to be normal. normal people don't screw up the way i do.

the sad part is, i know i'll never become that person. there are just some things you know about yourself that are permanent. i guess all i can do is pick up the mess i make each and every day.

it takes a very strong person to put up with my bullshit.

panic

retaliation is probably the worst form of arguing.

do i disappoint you?

the tide is turning.

for a brief moment i saw myself perhaps forming honest relationships with my family, but things did not work out like i thought. for years i held back almost anything and everything, then for one year i took a chance.

i failed.

it's an odd feeling to know your family thinks about you and feels only sadness and disappointment and confusion.

they'll never know how i feel, though. because i won't tell them. i am done trying to be honest. acceptance just isn't something that my family practices very well.

i guess some still love/like me, but i honestly i can't be sure anymore.

my heart is sorrowful that i cause such shame and embarrassment, but for once i feel upmost joy and happiness.

do i really make those closest to me grieve and weep so often? is my life really a crumbling path? have i no accomplishments? am i so easily transparent that my damnation is recognized by everyone? does my faith deserve to be openly challenged and questioned?

i never thought my family would make me feel like this.

i was wrong about them.

i love them, as they claim for me. but love isn't enough, is it?

fix you

i don't really want to wait this long,

to see if something's wrong.

education

it seems like everyone is excelling in school, either approaching graduation or even pursuing a master's degree.

why am i not inclined to do either? i just don't want to continue.

i don't know how much that would limit my career path, but doesn't life tend to sail on regardless?

i need to rest.

no one will/would understand i guess. perhaps i don't even understand.

am i failing? am i giving up?

everyone needs to change routines, right? i deserve that, right?

i need to keep thinking about it. but so far i've returned to the same choice.

my goals have never been typical.

hey, if i end up making enough money, i'll go back. the end.

getting up again.

i'm so... bothered by my shortcomings.

i fail people quite often, unintentionally. disappointing others is arguably the WORST feeling one can endure--at least with me.

i should stop worrying about the future.

no regrets, no regrets

time is the most bizarre... phenomenon.

memories are almost equally peculiar.

better days

things are improving with that last issue.

also, and completely unrelated, i think my relationship with my parents is improving with age. their age. my age.

i saw my dad unexpectedly the other morning. i don't know why the expression on his face affected me so much. i hope i looked pleased to see him, because i was. he looked happy, and i loved that. he was standing right in front of me and i missed him so much. it's hard to explain.

anyway, my mom has been sending me random texts and i love it. i want to save every single one. i know it's a big deal for her to actually use the common functions on her phone.

i wish my family wasn't so busy. lunch once a week with them would be grand.

my worst fear

i can't fucking believe this is happening to me.