fix you

i don't really want to wait this long,

to see if something's wrong.

education

it seems like everyone is excelling in school, either approaching graduation or even pursuing a master's degree.

why am i not inclined to do either? i just don't want to continue.

i don't know how much that would limit my career path, but doesn't life tend to sail on regardless?

i need to rest.

no one will/would understand i guess. perhaps i don't even understand.

am i failing? am i giving up?

everyone needs to change routines, right? i deserve that, right?

i need to keep thinking about it. but so far i've returned to the same choice.

my goals have never been typical.

hey, if i end up making enough money, i'll go back. the end.

getting up again.

i'm so... bothered by my shortcomings.

i fail people quite often, unintentionally. disappointing others is arguably the WORST feeling one can endure--at least with me.

i should stop worrying about the future.

no regrets, no regrets

time is the most bizarre... phenomenon.

memories are almost equally peculiar.

better days

things are improving with that last issue.

also, and completely unrelated, i think my relationship with my parents is improving with age. their age. my age.

i saw my dad unexpectedly the other morning. i don't know why the expression on his face affected me so much. i hope i looked pleased to see him, because i was. he looked happy, and i loved that. he was standing right in front of me and i missed him so much. it's hard to explain.

anyway, my mom has been sending me random texts and i love it. i want to save every single one. i know it's a big deal for her to actually use the common functions on her phone.

i wish my family wasn't so busy. lunch once a week with them would be grand.

my worst fear

i can't fucking believe this is happening to me.

until the last of days

feelings change so sporatically.
six months makes such a difference.
i look back and wonder who i was.

i get flustered trying to determine my future.
i wonder how people see me.
i'm always sincerely honest with myself regarding my relationships.
i'm never fearful of [saying] the truth in my own mind.
i wish i knew the truth about me in others' minds.

the world in which i dwell often seems unrealistic and illogical.
and i choose to remain there.

na laetha geal moige

my mind is plain.
my head is swimming with exhaustion.

the pains in my chest
leave me short of valuable breath.

i could regret this

let's get to the real issue.
there was never anything to be jealous of.
you should know the kind of person i am.
above everything and everyone, i have to put myself first.
people's feelings may get hurt, but once again, who i am is not a secret.
i may be cryptic. i may be private. i may be spontaneous.
it may come across as offending, but it's not, really.
when i get pressured into positions that make me uncomfortable, i protect myself.
i may not tell the truth. the whole truth. i may leave some parts out. i may omit certain details... but i do it for myself.
there are worse things than lies.
what act is greater than another?
i shouldn't have to explain myself.
i am an independent person, and when someone wants direct answers, i will pick and choose what information i deem pertinent.
i am sorry.
obviously i was not trying to hurt you.
obviously i would have made certain facts private if i was ashamed.
maybe i should have shielded you.
but this is me.
obviously you are a close friend.
obviously you are special to me.

news

this is my favorite:

this makes the bush twins look good (for those of you who actually thought their situation was pertinent to bush's character)

(nervous)

spiraling thoughts.
mixed emotions.
uneasy moods.
tired eyes.

love this

Dear Mike,

Congratulations from PETA on the reviews for SiCKO. Although we thinkthat your film could actually help reform America’s sorely inadequatehealth care system, there’s an elephant in the room, and it is you. With alldue respect, no one can help but notice that a weighty health issue isaffecting you personally. We’d like to help you fix that. Going vegetarianis an easy and life-saving step that people of all economic backgroundscan take in order to become less reliant on the government’s shoddyhealthcare system, and it’s something that you and all Americans canbenefit from personally. Vegetarians weigh, on average, up to 20 percentless than their meat-eating counterparts—meaning less weight-relatedproblems like heart attacks and strokes—and live about eight years longer.I’m sure that your fans would appreciate having you around longer! Bygoing vegetarian, you would also provide a powerful message of personalresponsibility for one’s health, allowing others to become less reliant on asystem that doesn’t care about them. As they say at Nike (sorry!): “Just doit.” We can help, but first, here are some facts:

• Vegetarians suffer far fewer heart attacks than meat-eaters.Cholesterol, the principal culprit in clotted arteries, is found only inanimal products. Thus, those of us who forgo the flesh, milk, and eggsof animals have a heart disease mortality rate one-tenth the rate of ourflesh-eating counterparts. In fact, a healthy vegan diet has been shownto reverse heart disease.• Vegetarians have far lower rates of cancer than meat-eaters.Ninety-five percent of the toxic chemicals that humans are exposed tocome from meat. Thus, women who eat meat daily have 3.8 times thebreast cancer rate of women who don’t. Men who eat meat daily getfatal prostate cancer at 3.6 times the rate of vegetarian men.• Vegetarians are not as likely to be obese as meat-eaters. Obesitykills about 112,000 people per year in the U.S., according to TheCenters for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), and makes manymore people sick. It can also lead to serious diseases like diabetes. TheCDC also reported that overweight and obesity accounted for nearly10 percent of all American medical expenses in a recent year. Onaverage, vegetarians weigh up to 20 percent less than meat-eaters.• Vegetarians don’t run the risk of getting sick from contaminatedmeat. Sure, they may get sick when animal waste is sprayed onvegetables and fruit, but meat is the big hazard. Just as dead humansrot and attract maggots and bacteria, so do other dead animals.

Millions of people in the U.S. get sick—and thousands die—each yearfrom eating meat contaminated with salmonella, campylobacter, E.coli, or one of the many other bacterium found on animal flesh—evenafter it’s been cooked.

Yes, America’s health care system needs to be fixed, but personalresponsibility is a big part of why people look and feel as ill as they do.We hope that you will focus your personal lens on the benefits ofvegetarianism—which can satisfy you easily—stop turning a blind eye tomeat’s impact on America’s health, and lead the charge for a healthierAmerica by taking our 30-Day Veg Pledge. You can find tips on goingvegetarian and recipes for meatless meals like faux fried chicken atGoVeg.com.
Very truly yours,

Ingrid E. Newkirk
President and Founder

sunrise

so many of my friends are in serious relationships.
close friends. old friends. new friends.
i miss days from the past when we all stuck together for enjoyment.
i guess the goal for most people is to find solidarity in companionship.

i feel left behind, sort of.
maybe i am content spending time alone?

i guess i just wonder whether i would ever be capable of having that type of attachment to someone, like everyone else?

anyway, i am happy for you.
also, just slightly worried i won't catch up with you.

thoughts and an update

i'm sorry i cannot comfort you and you.
i just do not possess such sensitivity.

relationships are a hassle.




in other news, my parents and i are getting along fabulously!
i am sincerely thankful.
and for you.

paris is far more interesting, let's get real!

i thought dan rather was dead?

i guess he only got fired... maybe that was the story i was thinking of.

bummer, eh?

i am over titles

i am over a few things.
and by over, i mean i am trying to suppress the feeling inside me that inclines me to indulge in them.
therefore, tricking my mind into making other choices.

in other news, summer is passing all too quickly.
i wish i could leave phoenix for awhile.
it's all about money these days.
the deciding factor for everything.

as j says, i just want enough to live comfortably.
where can i attain (or pursue) such a j-o-b?





i get scared when certain patterns are interrupted.

us

i think you grew up considerably faster than i did. or changed more quickly. but, maybe you were forced to.

i may not ever see or experience the same things, but i understand a little more now. let's just talk about it?

how it is

it's not that i am depressed.

i am just not happy.

one cell in the sea

7.17.07

exam day

this is it!

please, god, i need to excel today.