do i disappoint you?

the tide is turning.

for a brief moment i saw myself perhaps forming honest relationships with my family, but things did not work out like i thought. for years i held back almost anything and everything, then for one year i took a chance.

i failed.

it's an odd feeling to know your family thinks about you and feels only sadness and disappointment and confusion.

they'll never know how i feel, though. because i won't tell them. i am done trying to be honest. acceptance just isn't something that my family practices very well.

i guess some still love/like me, but i honestly i can't be sure anymore.

my heart is sorrowful that i cause such shame and embarrassment, but for once i feel upmost joy and happiness.

do i really make those closest to me grieve and weep so often? is my life really a crumbling path? have i no accomplishments? am i so easily transparent that my damnation is recognized by everyone? does my faith deserve to be openly challenged and questioned?

i never thought my family would make me feel like this.

i was wrong about them.

i love them, as they claim for me. but love isn't enough, is it?