i'm in the mood to delete something.

it might be this.

for now.

not into this blog anymore.

or writing.

how much is too much?

too much lifestyle reconfiguration at the moment.

future

i hate expecting the unexpected.

i also hate pain within my loves.

The November Review

This new work development has had my mind racing the last twenty-four hours. Extreme negatives and extreme positives keep revolving around in my head. First I think I am being too critical of my knowledge and abilities, then I dwell on a moment of hope and success. I am physically drained from the constant pondering. 

I often say I keep waiting for something secure and upgraded to come along, and I suppose this is my opportunity. Looking back over the last few years, I can definitely see a change in my confidence, but this seems so much more than that. To take on this role means double the challenges. 

I still think of that moment in junior year of high school when Ms. Batsell pushed and pushed me to take the AP English test, and I backed out last minute. A part of me knew I could do it, but a more comfortable and controlling part of me refused to take the risk. I didn't want to fail, so I excused myself from the possible source. I may indeed fail, but not pushing through this one could destroy the confidence I have gained since that memorable choice.

The opinions and support of those closest to me, including that of my beautifully glowing wife, is keeping my anxiety in check. I am discovering that my life is not destined to ever become stagnant. When my days perhaps become too routine, I am met with drastic decisions.

And I have been undoubtedly lucky with my latest curves, and no, I am not referring to the love handles or "filled in" portions of my body. I am thankful for my education and the degree I will earn before too long. I am thankful to have steady work and the necessary finances to keep my family eating and safe. Most of all, I am thankful and blessed with a devoted and relentlessly loving companion. Days with my wife never become too routine. She is my excitement. And in roughly four weeks, we'll have one of the greatest curves of our life together.

Suddenly I am gaining life's insight and secrets that have evaded me previously.

Lovelovelove to the one who brings me up when I feel down and creates the balance I'll always need.

my wife is so indescribably supportive.

i will never question our love or union.

i am endlessly grateful for her smile.

and those eyes, 

and the caress of her words.

Highlights

I purchased Joshua Radin's new album (Simple Times) today and I am already enjoying it. It is peculiar to hear something new from the music artist that most affected my life in 2006. A Fine Frenzy earned that spot in 2007, and this year is still undecided. I will let you know. I also bought Jem's 2004 album (Finally Woken), which is quickly becoming a personal favorite. Ahh music.

Hey babe, I'm going to keep this Lego motorcycle/man forever. I don't know how you do it.

i do not believe there is a first for everything.

but definitely for somethings.

life is all about balance, and deservedly so.

my wife takes extraordinary care of me.

what a day...

an element

it is currently thunderstorming outside, and the sound is heavenly.

i have opened the two windows that will not allow water inside.

i stood outside a few minutes ago watching the piercing elements clash together and the temptation was too great.

wearing my bathing suit, i was very aware of my premeditated choice.

i stepped into the rain and just let the raindrops soak my body.

i felt wonderfully juvenile and adventurous.

my what the long absence of rain can do to a person.

i smiled, closed my eyes, and looked up.

air never smelled better.

i have not done that in years.

several minutes later i decided by the sound of thunder and the excessive lightning that my fun better turn indoors.

now i have focused my cliche enjoyment upon enya and red wine.

it could rain for days and my mind would effortlessly be at ease.

this night is naturally spectacular.

special dates

happy anniversary my love.

my gift was wonderful!

one year, one day...

growing

some days of mine

are often filled with

stressful urgency,

ugly character,

tired company.

it's on these days

i remember my gift:

in my life, you

are everything that is

refreshingly calm,

expressly beautiful,

endlessly rewarding.

some words for the day

"if you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment."

--marcus aurelius antoninus

fitting now... more than ever

real love

daily reminder.

i am just so lucky to have you.

lyrics

"but i believe in love.

i believe in babies.

i believe in mom and dad.

and i believe in you."

don williams says it so gracefully.

they're simple, but they say everything.

wee baby hershey mccurley

i thing it's so cute

that sophie goes to bed early.

i like to think the baby is growing during that time,

and rest is needed.

the moment came

when i asked myself

the moment came

when my opinion actually counted

when it mattered

the moment came 

and i knew who i was.

i knew who i was.

a "quote"

my REL professor said something interesting in class on thursday.

"the whole reason i teach religion is because i cannot understand a god who justifies killing."

most people will not understand this, or they will simply dismiss the statement as ignorant.

but i was there to hear the context in which he said it and see the expression on his face when he said it. in the moment, it meant something. it was for lack of a better description... pitifully honest.

as i make/mold my upcoming school schedule, i am impatient to take more religion classes.

and on a random note, the aforementioned professor reminds me of micah schmidt so much it should be witnessed by someone else acquainted with the two!

bleeding love

i pretty much fall in love on a daily basis.

yeah, it's kinda like that.

they come to me at the most random moments.

the old life was good.

but my new life is

indescribably

wonderful. what joy!