ps

it's easier not to remember.
it's easier not to remember how i felt.

it's easier not to think about now,
nor tomorrow.









is there such a thing as too much change?

suddenly i feel so old.

late

sometimes the night brings calmness and clarity.

other times, like tonight, it brings fear and anxiety.

everything i feel

internalization is the word of my life.

my how april came quickly!

i have a hard time choosing between a guaranteed great time or saving even the most minimal funds (as they add up quickly).

immediate happiness or happiness built up for the future?

just how far can i stretch?

i'll always wish i wasn't born with such faults. defects. abnormalities. and limitations.

mysterious

this piercing headache comes and goes.

it's the same every time.

i never know how i should respond.

thought a day

i am trying my best to stay positive.

i hate that i have to mentally balance the good from the bad in even the slightest, most insignificant situations.

annoying

remember how i push my luck and procrastinate? i'll probably suffer for it later.



i never learn my lesson the first time. actually it takes multiple mistakes for me to learn anything.
i never learn my lesson the first time... regarding anything.

unreconciled

i've grown weary of this fight.

it's understandable.
those rash choices.
when you come to the point,
where you fear your own emptiness.
no action has consequence (emotionally).

sooner or later, you will be unable to suppress it.
and the resulting act will open a dangerous doorway.

lay your head down.

listless

success more than anything.

coming back is... mildly difficult.
remember how i never learn my lesson?
remember how this is all kinds of ridiculous?
ugh.

but, there are new things ahead. exciting! hope!
... all with a degree of fear and
regret.
i really hate that word.

every day is a test.
i never was a good test-taker.

life, i ask you now: show me rest, show me peace of mind, and show me soft light.

later thoughts

that was awkward. i hope it wasn't for nothing, but i guess that would be a choice. we all have a dream we want fulfilled, but life often chooses a direction for us. i shouldn't be surprised that eyes can so quickly turn away from you. i hated the feeling all around. but f was a comfort thereafter and i'm thankful.

so.

i am praying nothing dramatic changes between us, yet still keeping in mind everyone has their secrets.

sdiofghkdgj;aslgjkisl

brotherly love

expensive changes will surely bring priceless cheer.





i want you to feel loved.
i want you to feel appreciated.

i will communicate that until you never say otherwise.
i will do my part.
i owe it to you.
i know i hurt you.
i have resentment that is slow-mending.
i expect you to have the same.

self-control

sacrifice is key.

to achieve greater things, i must first give up the small things.

!

ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic!

don't tell

i think i may have finally learned my lesson.
it tends to be one event after another.
and i hate explanations, especially to those who matter not (to the event at hand).
i wish this event would just move forward.
lately i feel i have been taking steps back, to the side, or in place.

disappointment drains my mind.

it's true.
i leave room for dreams down each path.

for some reason i thought about death being the unexpected... event... to occur this year.
not my own, but a death no less.

let there be morning

god's creation is vast and nothing short of beautiful, but i seem to have a distorted sense of what his creation spreads over. sadly, however, i cannot bring myself to regard people moreso than sunsets, moutain landscapes, forest paths, or winding rivers. so often they repulse me, but then again, so do certain desert views...

tear drops don't stain my sheets

the winter is ending and i feel robbed of time. i am left wondering how i may be able to bring more meaning to life and to those around me. sure, i am viciously tempted to live glamorously, but oh how i'd love to be humbled. i am now into february and ready to see and experience new things. i am afraid of being left alone or not being approached by my hopes. feeling is fading quickly.

i ask

why do i want them to wonder?
why do i want them to notice?

i've always had the easy life.
i've never had the easy life.

nights are the worst.
day does not bring much hope, though.

close proximity

the last person i want to disappoint is you.
it's the worst feeling.

also, i discovered something in those words: _____

once again

i put a pen to paper,
lit a candle,
drank red,
and wrote ceaselessly.

where this has gotten me before
i do not know,
but perhaps new beginnings are still allowed.

new faces

this could be a problem.

/distraction
/catastrophe waiting to happen