i didn't start the out...

i don't think about you everyday anymore--at least that's what i think.
i did today, though.
i wanted to tell you things.
you listen well and it's comforting.

one of my greatest fears is losing your familiarity.
the day and the night bring separate thoughts sometimes.
useless.


i hope we turn out okay.

the sick cycle

take away my vision.
take away my freedom.

only sacrifice,
only restriction will save me.

busy has become an excuse of the past.

through

i am sick of the sores.
i am tired of the irregularities.
i am over the unwanted pattern.
i am done with the gross mess.

i am fucking through.

there's never a beginning or an end. it's a continuation.

many of my recent issues have subsided.

yet new ones have come into the light. others have re-surfaced.

but amidst all painstaking changes, i am hopeful.



the future is never dictated--and that instills unrelenting comfort.

a road unseen

perhaps neither is the right choice for me.

remember when i thought choices were a good thing?

i create nothing but discontentment.

can a heart really change?

some habits never die.

guilty pleasures, comfort zones, temptations.

options and heartbreak

there is the one currently

then the innocent, yet untruthful side activity

and of course my greatest addiction.

apparently i cannot decipher my own feelings.

i should not be allowed to pursue relationships.

i hurt people and confuse myself.

i'm not gonna lie

it's hard.

it's hard not to think of you.

everything about this is hard.

maturity

i don't think it's the alcohol talking,

but i may be ready for an adult relationship.

i need to at least try.

too many adolescent habits.

inherent nature

human cravings are insatiable.

just look at me. guilty!

blood

why is it so hard to be compassionate towards my parents?

give me the needle

i think i may have found an answer,
something to cover up the scars.

i think the pain of the procedure would be far less excruciating than the pain i have lived with, the pain i still live with, and the pain i will surely live with.

drastic measure are okay.
i have to cope. i need this.

humiliation and nakedness

i wish god couldn't see or know my every thought.

blurry

will i have this anxiety my entire life?
how disparaging.

i do not see how i can change on my own.
i cannot even go on.

say it all you must

i deserve this;
(of course i do)

neat,
that still doesn't help.

since when does declaring anything make life any less... stormy?

mostly

it feels like there are too many
moments/opportunities
in which i am prone to failure.

honestly, i feel inept in life.
i don't mean to say i fail more often than i succeed,
or do i? it's probable.

jesus wept

made in god's image.
i think that's how it goes.

his likeness.
jesus cried,
but he never had this.

i reflect neither,
so what am i exactly?

but where does it lead?

everyone is trying to survive in this world.
and i am one of them.

tomorrow says rosie

do opposites attract?

i think i am too opposite.
i'm afraid she'll find out just how opposite i am... was...
but what i will be. that is different.
i can be different.

it makes my chest tense... knowing that i fail in so many areas of life.
i wish i hadn't failed god so long ago, and done nothing about it.

lifeless. helpless.

i need touch like everyone else.
please give me another chance.

if a woman could tame

we laughed together
we shared ice cream
we hugged as i left...

i have spent too much of my life in depression

i am already thankful she has come into my life

i cannot help but wonder if we might be more