The Montresor's Crypt

2009-05-01T00:23:00.001-07:00

i'm in the mood to delete something.

it might be this.

for now.

2009-03-29T17:48:00.000-07:00

not into this blog anymore.

or writing.

how much is too much?

2009-02-10T09:10:00.000-08:00

too much lifestyle reconfiguration at the moment.

future

2009-01-05T19:41:00.000-08:00

i hate expecting the unexpected.

i also hate pain within my loves.

The November Review

2008-11-15T17:13:00.000-08:00

This new work development has had my mind racing the last twenty-four hours. Extreme negatives and extreme positives keep revolving around in my head. First I think I am being too critical of my knowledge and abilities, then I dwell on a moment of hope and success. I am physically drained from the constant pondering.

I often say I keep waiting for something secure and upgraded to come along, and I suppose this is my opportunity. Looking back over the last few years, I can definitely see a change in my confidence, but this seems so much more than that. To take on this role means double the challenges.

I still think of that moment in junior year of high school when Ms. Batsell pushed and pushed me to take the AP English test, and I backed out last minute. A part of me knew I could do it, but a more comfortable and controlling part of me refused to take the risk. I didn't want to fail, so I excused myself from the possible source. I may indeed fail, but not pushing through this one could destroy the confidence I have gained since that memorable choice.

The opinions and support of those closest to me, including that of my beautifully glowing wife, is keeping my anxiety in check. I am discovering that my life is not destined to ever become stagnant. When my days perhaps become too routine, I am met with drastic decisions.

And I have been undoubtedly lucky with my latest curves, and no, I am not referring to the love handles or "filled in" portions of my body. I am thankful for my education and the degree I will earn before too long. I am thankful to have steady work and the necessary finances to keep my family eating and safe. Most of all, I am thankful and blessed with a devoted and relentlessly loving companion. Days with my wife never become too routine. She is my excitement. And in roughly four weeks, we'll have one of the greatest curves of our life together.

Suddenly I am gaining life's insight and secrets that have evaded me previously.

Lovelovelove to the one who brings me up when I feel down and creates the balance I'll always need.

2008-10-23T19:59:00.000-07:00

my wife is so indescribably supportive.

i will never question our love or union.

i am endlessly grateful for her smile.

and those eyes,

and the caress of her words.

Highlights

2008-09-12T17:02:00.000-07:00

I purchased Joshua Radin's new album (Simple Times) today and I am already enjoying it. It is peculiar to hear something new from the music artist that most affected my life in 2006. A Fine Frenzy earned that spot in 2007, and this year is still undecided. I will let you know. I also bought Jem's 2004 album (Finally Woken), which is quickly becoming a personal favorite. Ahh music.

Hey babe, I'm going to keep this Lego motorcycle/man forever. I don't know how you do it.

2008-08-24T17:48:00.000-07:00

i do not believe there is a first for everything.

but definitely for somethings.

life is all about balance, and deservedly so.

my wife takes extraordinary care of me.

what a day...

an element

2008-08-07T21:04:00.000-07:00

it is currently thunderstorming outside, and the sound is heavenly.

i have opened the two windows that will not allow water inside.

i stood outside a few minutes ago watching the piercing elements clash together and the temptation was too great.

wearing my bathing suit, i was very aware of my premeditated choice.

i stepped into the rain and just let the raindrops soak my body.

i felt wonderfully juvenile and adventurous.

my what the long absence of rain can do to a person.

i smiled, closed my eyes, and looked up.

air never smelled better.

i have not done that in years.

several minutes later i decided by the sound of thunder and the excessive lightning that my fun better turn indoors.

now i have focused my cliche enjoyment upon enya and red wine.

it could rain for days and my mind would effortlessly be at ease.

this night is naturally spectacular.

special dates

2008-08-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

happy anniversary my love.

my gift was wonderful!

one year, one day...

growing

2008-08-01T13:19:00.000-07:00

some days of mine

are often filled with

stressful urgency,

ugly character,

tired company.

it's on these days

i remember my gift:

in my life, you

are everything that is

refreshingly calm,

expressly beautiful,

endlessly rewarding.

some words for the day

2008-07-10T20:46:00.001-07:00

"if you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment."

--marcus aurelius antoninus

fitting now... more than ever

2008-06-18T17:09:00.001-07:00

real love

daily reminder.

2008-05-21T13:29:00.001-07:00

i am just so lucky to have you.

lyrics

2008-05-05T13:00:00.001-07:00

"but i believe in love.

i believe in babies.

i believe in mom and dad.

and i believe in you."

don williams says it so gracefully.

they're simple, but they say everything.

wee baby hershey mccurley

2008-05-03T21:21:00.000-07:00

i thing it's so cute

that sophie goes to bed early.

i like to think the baby is growing during that time,

and rest is needed.

2008-04-18T13:13:00.000-07:00

the moment came

when i asked myself

the moment came

when my opinion actually counted

when it mattered

the moment came

and i knew who i was.

i knew who i was.

a "quote"

2008-04-12T19:20:00.000-07:00

my REL professor said something interesting in class on thursday.

"the whole reason i teach religion is because i cannot understand a god who justifies killing."

most people will not understand this, or they will simply dismiss the statement as ignorant.

but i was there to hear the context in which he said it and see the expression on his face when he said it. in the moment, it meant something. it was for lack of a better description... pitifully honest.

as i make/mold my upcoming school schedule, i am impatient to take more religion classes.

and on a random note, the aforementioned professor reminds me of micah schmidt so much it should be witnessed by someone else acquainted with the two!

bleeding love

2008-03-24T20:13:00.000-07:00

i pretty much fall in love on a daily basis.

yeah, it's kinda like that.

they come to me at the most random moments.

2008-03-08T20:08:00.000-08:00

the old life was good.

but my new life is

indescribably

wonderful. what joy!

rem

2008-02-27T10:18:00.000-08:00

sometimes i sleep because it's easier than being awake.

just something

2008-02-21T12:38:00.000-08:00

when i strive to do everything; it is then that i fail to do anything.

training

2008-02-16T12:24:00.000-08:00

friday was intriguing. i did some training in one of my modules that directly affected me. whoever thought it would apply to life outside the store?

it worked, too.

dear day

2008-01-31T09:39:00.000-08:00

please do not go up and down.

i hate when the sky is empty.
my hands are cold and dry.

for you

2008-01-22T22:56:00.000-08:00

i am already thankful for my future experiences.

white or black rhino?

2008-01-20T21:37:00.000-08:00

it happens every once in awhile.

and every time it reminds me of that video.

i don't like it.

an understanding

2008-01-19T21:40:00.000-08:00

i guess i just want to say...

i have many things to say,
just not the courage, nor strength to say them.

i hope the world brings peace to my mind.
i hope i can bring peace to those i love.

what influence am i?

it's a little bit funny

2008-01-17T08:18:00.000-08:00

i think life purposely allows room for disappointment just to keep you on your guard.
i mean, some issues really should not be issues at all.
but life makes them a big deal to the world.
life makes you think they're a big deal, too.

the dynamics of my life intrigue me sometimes. i need to approach these issues as opportunities to learn. meh.

dishonesty

2008-01-15T12:35:00.000-08:00

it's just that it's delicate

january is such an intricate month.
i tend to think it sets the mood for the rest of the year.
how untrue is that?

i usually make all my goals in january.
last year i met all of them.
i am still reeling from 2007.
not in a bad way of course.
2007 just seems like the weekend of my life.
it felt like my identity transitioned.

i've noticed my goals become more intricate each january.

a long life

2007-12-27T20:10:00.000-08:00

you make me laugh everyday.

that's a very serious talent. :-)

my december post

2007-12-23T18:26:00.000-08:00

i learned this year that your failure is defined by what the people around you say about you (and to you).

i don't really even have the time to consider if i've let myself down.

don't all opinions contain some truth at the center?

i don't know what it is

2007-11-21T21:58:00.000-08:00

i've been listening to copeland a lot.
i guess bands affect me differently.
but, it's pretty intense how much copeland affects me.
i guess most people don't care for them.
i haven't even seen them at a show,
so sentimentally (probably not a word),
they're not even considered.

but somehow, they bring out the emotion in me.
that says a lot, you know?
i don't often reflect much emotion.

anyway, what i really wanted to say is that:
i love sophie.
copeland reminds me of her.
even though we never listen to them.
i've been listening to them for several years.
but, i love the lyrics and i love sophie.

i like the warm feeling i experience through both of them.
copeland has never reminded me of anyone, or anything significant.

until now.
i hope sophie doesn't mind.
as i said, most don't care for them.
but it's important and meaningful to me!
and i love this feeling.

<3

one for november

2007-11-20T05:12:00.000-08:00

there was a sparkle in your eye last night. i couldn't stop staring it.

yeah, i knew what was causing it, but that didn't make it any less beautiful.

not so popular anymore

2007-10-25T13:59:00.001-07:00

i thought this was interesting:

http://www.washingtontimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071025/NATION/110250083/1002

hollywood has been trying to make money off this for awhile. actors and actresses specifically. guess they thought the public was much dumberer.

?

2007-10-23T11:47:00.000-07:00

i somehow screw up everything, in every situation. i'm not asking to be perfect. i just want to be normal. normal people don't screw up the way i do.

the sad part is, i know i'll never become that person. there are just some things you know about yourself that are permanent. i guess all i can do is pick up the mess i make each and every day.

it takes a very strong person to put up with my bullshit.

panic

2007-10-11T07:19:00.000-07:00

retaliation is probably the worst form of arguing.

do i disappoint you?

2007-10-07T21:35:00.000-07:00

the tide is turning.

for a brief moment i saw myself perhaps forming honest relationships with my family, but things did not work out like i thought. for years i held back almost anything and everything, then for one year i took a chance.

i failed.

it's an odd feeling to know your family thinks about you and feels only sadness and disappointment and confusion.

they'll never know how i feel, though. because i won't tell them. i am done trying to be honest. acceptance just isn't something that my family practices very well.

i guess some still love/like me, but i honestly i can't be sure anymore.

my heart is sorrowful that i cause such shame and embarrassment, but for once i feel upmost joy and happiness.

do i really make those closest to me grieve and weep so often? is my life really a crumbling path? have i no accomplishments? am i so easily transparent that my damnation is recognized by everyone? does my faith deserve to be openly challenged and questioned?

i never thought my family would make me feel like this.

i was wrong about them.

i love them, as they claim for me. but love isn't enough, is it?

fix you

2007-09-27T15:26:00.000-07:00

i don't really want to wait this long,

to see if something's wrong.

education

2007-09-25T18:43:00.000-07:00

it seems like everyone is excelling in school, either approaching graduation or even pursuing a master's degree.

why am i not inclined to do either? i just don't want to continue.

i don't know how much that would limit my career path, but doesn't life tend to sail on regardless?

i need to rest.

no one will/would understand i guess. perhaps i don't even understand.

am i failing? am i giving up?

everyone needs to change routines, right? i deserve that, right?

i need to keep thinking about it. but so far i've returned to the same choice.

my goals have never been typical.

hey, if i end up making enough money, i'll go back. the end.

getting up again.

2007-09-23T13:30:00.000-07:00

i'm so... bothered by my shortcomings.

i fail people quite often, unintentionally. disappointing others is arguably the WORST feeling one can endure--at least with me.

i should stop worrying about the future.

no regrets, no regrets

2007-09-03T16:27:00.000-07:00

time is the most bizarre... phenomenon.

memories are almost equally peculiar.

better days

2007-08-30T15:35:00.000-07:00

things are improving with that last issue.

also, and completely unrelated, i think my relationship with my parents is improving with age. their age. my age.

i saw my dad unexpectedly the other morning. i don't know why the expression on his face affected me so much. i hope i looked pleased to see him, because i was. he looked happy, and i loved that. he was standing right in front of me and i missed him so much. it's hard to explain.

anyway, my mom has been sending me random texts and i love it. i want to save every single one. i know it's a big deal for her to actually use the common functions on her phone.

i wish my family wasn't so busy. lunch once a week with them would be grand.

my worst fear

2007-08-07T17:04:00.000-07:00

i can't fucking believe this is happening to me.

until the last of days

2007-07-19T22:55:00.000-07:00

feelings change so sporatically.
six months makes such a difference.
i look back and wonder who i was.

i get flustered trying to determine my future.
i wonder how people see me.
i'm always sincerely honest with myself regarding my relationships.
i'm never fearful of [saying] the truth in my own mind.
i wish i knew the truth about me in others' minds.

the world in which i dwell often seems unrealistic and illogical.
and i choose to remain there.

na laetha geal moige

2007-07-13T22:07:00.000-07:00

my mind is plain.
my head is swimming with exhaustion.

the pains in my chest
leave me short of valuable breath.

i could regret this

2007-07-06T21:19:00.000-07:00

let's get to the real issue.
there was never anything to be jealous of.
you should know the kind of person i am.
above everything and everyone, i have to put myself first.
people's feelings may get hurt, but once again, who i am is not a secret.
i may be cryptic. i may be private. i may be spontaneous.
it may come across as offending, but it's not, really.
when i get pressured into positions that make me uncomfortable, i protect myself.
i may not tell the truth. the whole truth. i may leave some parts out. i may omit certain details... but i do it for myself.
there are worse things than lies.
what act is greater than another?
i shouldn't have to explain myself.
i am an independent person, and when someone wants direct answers, i will pick and choose what information i deem pertinent.
i am sorry.
obviously i was not trying to hurt you.
obviously i would have made certain facts private if i was ashamed.
maybe i should have shielded you.
but this is me.
obviously you are a close friend.
obviously you are special to me.

news

2007-07-05T13:57:00.000-07:00

this is my favorite:

this makes the bush twins look good (for those of you who actually thought their situation was pertinent to bush's character)

(nervous)

2007-07-02T12:58:00.000-07:00

spiraling thoughts.
mixed emotions.
uneasy moods.
tired eyes.

love this

2007-06-26T09:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Mike,

Congratulations from PETA on the reviews for SiCKO. Although we thinkthat your film could actually help reform America’s sorely inadequatehealth care system, there’s an elephant in the room, and it is you. With alldue respect, no one can help but notice that a weighty health issue isaffecting you personally. We’d like to help you fix that. Going vegetarianis an easy and life-saving step that people of all economic backgroundscan take in order to become less reliant on the government’s shoddyhealthcare system, and it’s something that you and all Americans canbenefit from personally. Vegetarians weigh, on average, up to 20 percentless than their meat-eating counterparts—meaning less weight-relatedproblems like heart attacks and strokes—and live about eight years longer.I’m sure that your fans would appreciate having you around longer! Bygoing vegetarian, you would also provide a powerful message of personalresponsibility for one’s health, allowing others to become less reliant on asystem that doesn’t care about them. As they say at Nike (sorry!): “Just doit.” We can help, but first, here are some facts:

• Vegetarians suffer far fewer heart attacks than meat-eaters.Cholesterol, the principal culprit in clotted arteries, is found only inanimal products. Thus, those of us who forgo the flesh, milk, and eggsof animals have a heart disease mortality rate one-tenth the rate of ourflesh-eating counterparts. In fact, a healthy vegan diet has been shownto reverse heart disease.• Vegetarians have far lower rates of cancer than meat-eaters.Ninety-five percent of the toxic chemicals that humans are exposed tocome from meat. Thus, women who eat meat daily have 3.8 times thebreast cancer rate of women who don’t. Men who eat meat daily getfatal prostate cancer at 3.6 times the rate of vegetarian men.• Vegetarians are not as likely to be obese as meat-eaters. Obesitykills about 112,000 people per year in the U.S., according to TheCenters for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), and makes manymore people sick. It can also lead to serious diseases like diabetes. TheCDC also reported that overweight and obesity accounted for nearly10 percent of all American medical expenses in a recent year. Onaverage, vegetarians weigh up to 20 percent less than meat-eaters.• Vegetarians don’t run the risk of getting sick from contaminatedmeat. Sure, they may get sick when animal waste is sprayed onvegetables and fruit, but meat is the big hazard. Just as dead humansrot and attract maggots and bacteria, so do other dead animals.

Millions of people in the U.S. get sick—and thousands die—each yearfrom eating meat contaminated with salmonella, campylobacter, E.coli, or one of the many other bacterium found on animal flesh—evenafter it’s been cooked.

Yes, America’s health care system needs to be fixed, but personalresponsibility is a big part of why people look and feel as ill as they do.We hope that you will focus your personal lens on the benefits ofvegetarianism—which can satisfy you easily—stop turning a blind eye tomeat’s impact on America’s health, and lead the charge for a healthierAmerica by taking our 30-Day Veg Pledge. You can find tips on goingvegetarian and recipes for meatless meals like faux fried chicken atGoVeg.com.
Very truly yours,

Ingrid E. Newkirk
President and Founder

sunrise

2007-06-23T21:04:00.001-07:00

so many of my friends are in serious relationships.
close friends. old friends. new friends.
i miss days from the past when we all stuck together for enjoyment.
i guess the goal for most people is to find solidarity in companionship.

i feel left behind, sort of.
maybe i am content spending time alone?

i guess i just wonder whether i would ever be capable of having that type of attachment to someone, like everyone else?

anyway, i am happy for you.
also, just slightly worried i won't catch up with you.

thoughts and an update

2007-06-18T01:59:00.000-07:00

i'm sorry i cannot comfort you and you.
i just do not possess such sensitivity.

relationships are a hassle.

in other news, my parents and i are getting along fabulously!
i am sincerely thankful.
and for you.

paris is far more interesting, let's get real!

2007-06-15T17:00:00.001-07:00

i thought dan rather was dead?

i guess he only got fired... maybe that was the story i was thinking of.

bummer, eh?

i am over titles

2007-06-13T21:59:00.000-07:00

i am over a few things.
and by over, i mean i am trying to suppress the feeling inside me that inclines me to indulge in them.
therefore, tricking my mind into making other choices.

in other news, summer is passing all too quickly.
i wish i could leave phoenix for awhile.
it's all about money these days.
the deciding factor for everything.

as j says, i just want enough to live comfortably.
where can i attain (or pursue) such a j-o-b?

i get scared when certain patterns are interrupted.

us

2007-06-03T17:59:00.000-07:00

i think you grew up considerably faster than i did. or changed more quickly. but, maybe you were forced to.

i may not ever see or experience the same things, but i understand a little more now. let's just talk about it?

how it is

2007-05-29T15:29:00.000-07:00

it's not that i am depressed.

i am just not happy.

one cell in the sea

2007-05-10T01:10:00.001-07:00

7.17.07

exam day

2007-05-09T10:20:00.000-07:00

this is it!

please, god, i need to excel today.

public honesty.

2007-05-08T10:24:00.000-07:00

of course i feel badly about not seeing you.
i don't really know how i'm feeling.

my life is changing quickly.
i have barely had a moment to breathe and reflect.
i am craving old friends lately. familiar voices and faces.
[ ], please don't think less of me. i like my space. i think any type of affection (companionship) comes second.

yes, i love my friends, but distance and time make the old ones much sweeter.
why do i keep thinking about 2006?
it was not necessarily better, right?
no.
maybe i make a big fucking deal out of... absolutely nothing.

"the only constant is change."

i need a long drive by myself. i really am content with myself.
life just feels a bit dreary.

ps

2007-04-29T22:43:00.000-07:00

it's easier not to remember.
it's easier not to remember how i felt.

it's easier not to think about now,
nor tomorrow.

is there such a thing as too much change?

suddenly i feel so old.

late

2007-04-29T22:25:00.000-07:00

sometimes the night brings calmness and clarity.

other times, like tonight, it brings fear and anxiety.

everything i feel

2007-04-24T16:14:00.000-07:00

internalization is the word of my life.

my how april came quickly!

2007-04-04T22:32:00.000-07:00

i have a hard time choosing between a guaranteed great time or saving even the most minimal funds (as they add up quickly).

immediate happiness or happiness built up for the future?

just how far can i stretch?

i'll always wish i wasn't born with such faults. defects. abnormalities. and limitations.

mysterious

2007-03-31T02:27:00.000-07:00

this piercing headache comes and goes.

it's the same every time.

i never know how i should respond.

thought a day

2007-03-29T22:28:00.000-07:00

i am trying my best to stay positive.

i hate that i have to mentally balance the good from the bad in even the slightest, most insignificant situations.

annoying

2007-03-15T22:37:00.000-07:00

remember how i push my luck and procrastinate? i'll probably suffer for it later.

i never learn my lesson the first time. actually it takes multiple mistakes for me to learn anything.
i never learn my lesson the first time... regarding anything.

unreconciled

2007-03-08T21:00:00.000-08:00

i've grown weary of this fight.

it's understandable.
those rash choices.
when you come to the point,
where you fear your own emptiness.
no action has consequence (emotionally).

sooner or later, you will be unable to suppress it.
and the resulting act will open a dangerous doorway.

lay your head down.

listless

2007-03-07T00:46:00.000-08:00

success more than anything.

coming back is... mildly difficult.
remember how i never learn my lesson?
remember how this is all kinds of ridiculous?
ugh.

but, there are new things ahead. exciting! hope!
... all with a degree of fear and
regret.
i really hate that word.

every day is a test.
i never was a good test-taker.

life, i ask you now: show me rest, show me peace of mind, and show me soft light.

later thoughts

2007-02-17T14:34:00.000-08:00

that was awkward. i hope it wasn't for nothing, but i guess that would be a choice. we all have a dream we want fulfilled, but life often chooses a direction for us. i shouldn't be surprised that eyes can so quickly turn away from you. i hated the feeling all around. but f was a comfort thereafter and i'm thankful.

so.

i am praying nothing dramatic changes between us, yet still keeping in mind everyone has their secrets.

sdiofghkdgj;aslgjkisl

brotherly love

2007-02-13T21:20:00.000-08:00

expensive changes will surely bring priceless cheer.

i want you to feel loved.
i want you to feel appreciated.

i will communicate that until you never say otherwise.
i will do my part.
i owe it to you.
i know i hurt you.
i have resentment that is slow-mending.
i expect you to have the same.

self-control

2007-02-11T00:05:00.000-08:00

sacrifice is key.

to achieve greater things, i must first give up the small things.

!

2007-02-08T14:31:00.000-08:00

ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic! ecstatic!

don't tell

2007-02-08T00:57:00.000-08:00

i think i may have finally learned my lesson.
it tends to be one event after another.
and i hate explanations, especially to those who matter not (to the event at hand).
i wish this event would just move forward.
lately i feel i have been taking steps back, to the side, or in place.

disappointment drains my mind.

it's true.
i leave room for dreams down each path.

for some reason i thought about death being the unexpected... event... to occur this year.
not my own, but a death no less.

let there be morning

2007-02-04T01:21:00.000-08:00

god's creation is vast and nothing short of beautiful, but i seem to have a distorted sense of what his creation spreads over. sadly, however, i cannot bring myself to regard people moreso than sunsets, moutain landscapes, forest paths, or winding rivers. so often they repulse me, but then again, so do certain desert views...

tear drops don't stain my sheets

2007-02-02T12:59:00.000-08:00

the winter is ending and i feel robbed of time. i am left wondering how i may be able to bring more meaning to life and to those around me. sure, i am viciously tempted to live glamorously, but oh how i'd love to be humbled. i am now into february and ready to see and experience new things. i am afraid of being left alone or not being approached by my hopes. feeling is fading quickly.

i ask

2007-01-31T22:40:00.000-08:00

why do i want them to wonder?
why do i want them to notice?

i've always had the easy life.
i've never had the easy life.

nights are the worst.
day does not bring much hope, though.

close proximity

2007-01-28T19:56:00.000-08:00

the last person i want to disappoint is you.
it's the worst feeling.

also, i discovered something in those words: _____

once again

2007-01-23T23:39:00.000-08:00

i put a pen to paper,
lit a candle,
drank red,
and wrote ceaselessly.

where this has gotten me before
i do not know,
but perhaps new beginnings are still allowed.

new faces

2007-01-22T14:36:00.000-08:00

this could be a problem.

/distraction
/catastrophe waiting to happen

i didn't start the out...

2007-01-21T23:33:00.000-08:00

i don't think about you everyday anymore--at least that's what i think.
i did today, though.
i wanted to tell you things.
you listen well and it's comforting.

one of my greatest fears is losing your familiarity.
the day and the night bring separate thoughts sometimes.
useless.

i hope we turn out okay.

the sick cycle

2007-01-11T23:50:00.000-08:00

take away my vision.
take away my freedom.

only sacrifice,
only restriction will save me.

busy has become an excuse of the past.

through

2007-01-08T18:34:00.000-08:00

i am sick of the sores.
i am tired of the irregularities.
i am over the unwanted pattern.
i am done with the gross mess.

i am fucking through.

there's never a beginning or an end. it's a continuation.

2007-01-07T15:04:00.000-08:00

many of my recent issues have subsided.

yet new ones have come into the light. others have re-surfaced.

but amidst all painstaking changes, i am hopeful.

the future is never dictated--and that instills unrelenting comfort.

a road unseen

2006-12-25T23:10:00.000-08:00

perhaps neither is the right choice for me.

remember when i thought choices were a good thing?

i create nothing but discontentment.

can a heart really change?

2006-12-13T22:50:00.000-08:00

some habits never die.

guilty pleasures, comfort zones, temptations.

options and heartbreak

2006-12-04T22:14:00.000-08:00

there is the one currently

then the innocent, yet untruthful side activity

and of course my greatest addiction.

apparently i cannot decipher my own feelings.

i should not be allowed to pursue relationships.

i hurt people and confuse myself.

i'm not gonna lie

2006-11-26T20:34:00.000-08:00

it's hard.

it's hard not to think of you.

everything about this is hard.

maturity

2006-11-23T00:16:00.000-08:00

i don't think it's the alcohol talking,

but i may be ready for an adult relationship.

i need to at least try.

too many adolescent habits.

inherent nature

2006-11-13T22:02:00.000-08:00

human cravings are insatiable.

just look at me. guilty!

blood

2006-11-07T19:56:00.000-08:00

why is it so hard to be compassionate towards my parents?

give me the needle

2006-11-06T18:32:00.000-08:00

i think i may have found an answer,
something to cover up the scars.

i think the pain of the procedure would be far less excruciating than the pain i have lived with, the pain i still live with, and the pain i will surely live with.

drastic measure are okay.
i have to cope. i need this.

humiliation and nakedness

2006-10-30T08:02:00.000-08:00

i wish god couldn't see or know my every thought.

blurry

2006-10-29T01:58:00.000-08:00

will i have this anxiety my entire life?
how disparaging.

i do not see how i can change on my own.
i cannot even go on.

say it all you must

2006-10-22T22:31:00.000-07:00

i deserve this;
(of course i do)

neat,
that still doesn't help.

since when does declaring anything make life any less... stormy?

mostly

2006-10-17T22:37:00.000-07:00

it feels like there are too many
moments/opportunities
in which i am prone to failure.

honestly, i feel inept in life.
i don't mean to say i fail more often than i succeed,
or do i? it's probable.

jesus wept

2006-10-15T23:51:00.000-07:00

made in god's image.
i think that's how it goes.

his likeness.
jesus cried,
but he never had this.

i reflect neither,
so what am i exactly?

but where does it lead?

2006-10-11T19:45:00.000-07:00

everyone is trying to survive in this world.
and i am one of them.

tomorrow says rosie

2006-10-09T22:16:00.000-07:00

do opposites attract?

i think i am too opposite.
i'm afraid she'll find out just how opposite i am... was...
but what i will be. that is different.
i can be different.

it makes my chest tense... knowing that i fail in so many areas of life.
i wish i hadn't failed god so long ago, and done nothing about it.

lifeless. helpless.

i need touch like everyone else.
please give me another chance.

if a woman could tame

2006-10-01T21:18:00.000-07:00

we laughed together
we shared ice cream
we hugged as i left...

i have spent too much of my life in depression

i am already thankful she has come into my life

i cannot help but wonder if we might be more

so much failure.

2006-09-27T14:29:00.001-07:00

she sobbed for a good hour.
maybe even three.
i can barely stand the guilt.

[one of my best friends].

i am better off far away from everything. and everyone.
i am not meant for this world. relocation is a must.

thankful

2006-09-24T01:17:00.000-07:00

she is right.
no major tragedies,
no close deaths,
nothing major,
healthy childhood.

sometimes all you need is a friend to point out the goodness in life.
she is right.